the unfortunate fb date or how to squeeze big mistakes into small opportunites

“She had an unequalled gift… of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities.” Henry James (1843 – 1916)


Plans were made…. Saturday evening we would see the local band playing at the current hotspot. Safe for a first meeting. Public. Get there about 8:30 pm, stay for the first set, if things weren’t going well I could split. Hopefully he was as stimulating in person as he was online.

Got to town Saturday around 4:00 pm and ran the errands I needed to get accomplished. Then went to my sisters to hang out and get dressed. Nervous. Feel like a teenager with a crush. Had a beer to calm my nerves. And, made the call to “firm up plans”.

Big surprise! He can’t make it (fill in any excuse here… it really doesn’t matter). He really, very much wants to meet me, can we make alternate plans for another time.

Going against all my rules and instincts (he is someone I went to high school with, we do know some of the same people… I rationalize) I suggest we just hang. Pizza and beer. Watch a movie. I really just wanted conversation with him anyway. The parallels in interests were so compelling. Obscure music, books, and films. Some of which when mentioned usually got a blank stare. Address and directions, and the fateful die was cast.

Brother-in-law (Regional Manager for Liquor Company) offers a bottle of Black Cherry Rum, and suggests lemonade or Squirt as a mixer. Stop buy the liquor store for a twelve pack. He lives in the upstairs “apartment” of his cousin’s place. Has a roommate. Let’s see that makes at least four of us… Yes, a twelve should be good.

Call him to say I am on my way about 7:30 pm. Can’t stand to prolong the agony any longer. He admits he hasn’t taken a shower yet. I offer him thirty minutes and suggest he use them to get himself and his place presentable. (There’s a joke there that you can only understand if you have seen this place.)

I call as I arrive and he comes down to meet me. He introduces me to his redneck cousin and the redneck cousin’s friend as we carry the refreshments up to his place. Redneck cousin glares but is polite. He was right the place is a work in progress. Construction materials in every room, none of which are complete. Should be beautiful when its done, if it ever gets done.

We have some interesting conversation and a couple beers, as “The Mummy” plays in the background. The roommate comes home and grabs a beer and sits down. Polite chit chat…. He’s going to bed, has to get up early in the morning for a business trip. Jack and I decide to go into the other room to watch a DVD or listen to music.

Unbelievably good music and thought-provoking conversation. The first flutters of sexual tension. A couple shots of the rum. A couple more beers. More sexual tension. And then, I start to realize he is drinking more than me. And, we are the only two drinking. And, he’s not stopping, even when I suggest we stop. I realize I have gotten myself into quite a predicament.

Can’t leave. Won’t leave. Not after losing someone to accidental overdose from alcohol poisoning. What the fuck! Are all highly intelligent people also addictive personalities? So here we go. I have him run down to the car with me so I can find something comfortable to sleep / baby sit in.

Let’s have another shot….. No! (First major mistake…. This is where I should have poured out all the rum and beer but there is no working drain upstairs. And, I didn’t have the balls to take it downstairs to the redneck cousin’s place by myself. Shame on me. You ever try to fight a drunk? You never win.)

I suggest we go lay down and listen to some more music. We get as comfortable as we can. ( Second major mistake….. As a lonely, recently separated, horny woman I decide to use this predicament for some physical contact. Figuring, I am stuck here anyway, and it will distract him.)

Unfortunately or fortunately, I haven’t quite decided, he is still brilliant when fall down drunk. He is brutally honest about himself. (Another quality we have in common. This fucker and I could have been separated at birth.) And, confessed he had been having a relationship with a married woman. And, he ends up being an extremely generous, tender, patient, understanding, and talented lover. In fact he refused to “fuck me”. He did bring me to the brink of orgasm a couple of times.

He admitted his redneck cousin had suggested he get a blow job from this internet chick. And, I thought “Oh, I’ll give you head like you’ve never had buddy”. And then proceeded to do just that. He used that favorite “guy” line, “No woman has ever been able to make me cum with her mouth”. (Why do all guys think this line is so original and that reverse psychology is foreign to women?) Although I didn’t bring him to orgasm, he confessed he came close and was debating whether or not he should cum in my mouth. (Side note: Women who like to give head, give good head….those who don’t, don’t.)

We didn’t sleep until 4:00 or 5:00 am. When I woke up at around 11:30 am I took the opportunity to go downstairs to use the only working bathroom and while downstairs dumped the rum. The redneck cousin introduced me to his “old lady”. (Really!). And asked if Jack was passed out. No…. I lied. I told him we had stayed up all night talking about the old days. (We didn’t even remember each other from high school.) And, we were just lounging around hanging out. He asked me to tell him his Grandmother had called.

I went back upstairs and drank a Dr. Pepper and read from some of the books in his library. He slept. I woke him around 2:30 pm. Told him I needed to get on the road, it’s a two hour drive. Relayed the message that his Grandmother had called. He begged me to stay. I know he was still somewhat inebriated because he insisted he loved me. Asked repeatedly if I would be “his girl”. Made me promise to come back and visit. Asked if I would stay just a while longer.

I agreed…. Now, who is the bigger fool? Who has more of a problem? I must be insane.

He went downstairs to use the facilities. He got the “you fucked up” speech from his redneck cousin. Smoked a cigarette and called his Grandmother. Admitted he had fallen off the wagon and apologized. Redneck cousin asked if had gotten the blowjob.

We spent the rest of the day talking and touching . And, I finally got laid. (I cried!?!?!) The first person since my ex-husband , the first person in twenty years other than my ex-husband, and he’s more of a mess than me! Or, is he?

I finally pulled myself together and insisted I had to leave at 9:00 pm. Dreading two hours in the car by myself. Totally perplexed with myself. Utterly baffled by Jack. Completely disgusted with the redneck cousin. Jack walked me down to the car and kissed me goodbye. My parting shot to the redneck cousin as I waltzed out his front door was “I give great head”! Which I am sure he misinterpreted as an invitation, but of course was meant as a “fuck you”.

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