she was tired

She was tired.  She tried to hold it up, but her life had come tumbling down.  She fell.  And, like Alice down the rabbit hole, she just kept falling.  When she finally reached bottom, she didn’t recognize where she was.  She didn’t know how she got there.  She didn’t recognize who she had become.  She was the one who always kept it together.  The one who took the high road, except on a few very rare occasions.  She was the strong one,the care giver.  She took care of it all, made sure everyone else was comfortable.  Somewhere along the way she had stopped caring for herself, lost herself.  She didn’t like who she was anymore.  Wondered if she had time to find herself.  She was tired.  If she could sleep maybe things would become clearer.  Never enough sleep.  She wanted to sleep and not wake up to this mess.  “God please just take me” she prayed.  She did not want to hurt her family and friends.  Every day she kept thinking “I cannot do this…it will hurt my kids too much, my parents will not understand” Until, finally, even those thoughts could not stop her.  She could no longer endure the pain.  She went to bed took the pills and went to sleep.  She left no note.  She felt no need to explain.  It was obvious.  Wasn’t it?  She doesn’t remember waking up, or most of that day.  Emergency room, doctors, upset family.  She begged to be admitted.  They sent her home.  And, she slept.  When she woke up with a headache and bruised, she was told she had taken two spills before anyone realized what she had done.  And, feeling more of a failure than ever, the real work would begin.  A psychologist weekly and psychiatrist monthly.  And, a plan to get her life back began to take shape.  And, her family gathered around to protect her.  She moved in with her Dad and began to heal.  She began pouring out her soul to a machine.  She began eating better, and exercising.  She began listening to music again.  Every day she gets a little more of herself back.  And she keeps working on becoming the person she wants to be.  She is ready to be selfish.  To respect herself.  She worries less about the future and is happy with today.  And she thanks God for not answering those pleas, but instead bringing her home.

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